Cleansing Dawn

(Another cross post from Fetlife. IT seems my mind wants to have fun with me lately. Enjoy nonetheless)

I sit here on a precipice awaiting the dawn. A gentle breeze flows past me. Fitting, for within these next few minutes, they shall be needed to sweep away the forthcoming debris. As the sun comes over the horizon, I can already start to feel the effects on me. I will not run this time. I will the orb and let it have it’s way with me. It is time. I have seen many a death in my time, most at my hands or having to do with me. Some driven not by my deeds, but by their own. Guilty or innocent, it did not matter. None has hurt me more than the most recent. My lover, in fact. She was only human, but the most special I had encountered to date. It could be said that she, entering my world, had changed my so called “life”. But that word life holds very little meaning for one such as I. She, however held more meaning in my world than any number before her and now she’s gone. Driven mad by cooperative attempts to control and free. A death is still a death. At times, I was ghost to her more than my true form, but I held her in my arms just the same as when I was corporeal. It was at her last breath only a short time ago that the path I now walk became real.

And real is the pain I am feeling now. One such as I feels little in that way, but when we do, the sensation is lasting. The sun’s rays seem to shine spotlight in my direction, searing and peeling the flesh from me. As I’ve said before, fitting. The winds take charge of the cleanup as my pain grows and becomes less tolerable. I shall not move. This place will mark the end of me. I could only hope that my remains would somehow gather elsewhere and coalesce, possible making a new, better form to rise up as. That is wishful thinking on me part as I know better. I take what few breaths left I am offered and give silent thought to all of those in my past, victim and the like. The sun, seemingly speeding it’s rise, wants it’s part in this deed to be done. I will not fight it. I am nearly aflame within the next few moments of thought. The pain unbearable, yet, I do not scream. No one with any care would hear my cries, anyway. The last person I thought would has departed this mortal coil. I will not join her where she is. It is not my luxury to see her again. Fate is a cruel Mistress. I achingly turn to catch glaze of her lifeless form and shed a bloody, fiery tear. She, the angel I never deserved, close as she ever was. And the last thing I will ever see as my now emblazoned body bursts forth and scatters what it will into the wind. There will be no more of this feeding, torturing, persecuted child of the night. A better being needs to take this one’s place.

Will I now be freed?

Belonging and whatnots

(this is crossposted from my Fetlife page, so don’t be alarmed if you’ve seen this before)

I grew up a very shy kid. Had to be forced to go outside at one point because I felt more comfortable with a book in my hands than being around people. And even when I got to the point to where I was hanging around people, I still never felt like I belonged. I felt like I was always just on the outside looking in. I know I’ve written about this before, so forgive me if I’m sounding like a broken record. I’m going somewhere with it. The reason why I’m bring this up is because I still feel this way. In this journey I’m taking, I’ve come across kink and polyamory. Of the two, I feel deep down that polyamory had always been apart of who I to be. And even when I was in a monogamous relationship, I’ve always tried to make my lover feel loved, because they were. The problem is, either I never felt like I’ve never gotten it in return or I’ve put too many feelings where they shouldn’t have been. I’ve had selfish moments but they were only moments in comparison to the people I’ve cared for. And unfortunately, the problem still has still existed in my foray in Poly. My last relationship was with someone who, like me, was new to it but has always felt that it was for them. As it stands right now, it felt like to me they just wanted what they wanted and it appears that they’ve found the person they truly wanted to be with. They were spending more time and energy with the other person than they ever did with me during our whole relationship. It is possible to get so caught up in your own happiness that you forget about people you claim to care about. Part of me is happy for them as they deserve to be happy as much as anyone. That’s what it should be. That you are happy for the people you love while being truly loved by them yourself. I would think that is just universal, really. And while I am happy for those I choose to care for, I admit that I am a bit selfish. I would love to have some of that for myself at the same time. Is that wrong?

I mean, anyone that knows me well knows that I am the biggest, most genuine, cheerleader for people I care about. At least I try to be. Anyway. From what I feel about Poly, it’s about being secure with yourself and whomever you chooser to love. It’s also about making everyone involved feel loved and cared and shown that at the same. It’s also about trust and honestly with all parties. Nothing different there from a monogamous relationship. The scale happens to be bigger. So far, my experience with poly hasn’t been very solid for the lack of previously mentioned traits. And yet I still travel down the road.

I would like to say right here and right now that if there is the plan to say “Maybe you’re not cut out for Polyamory” or “See, you are a fool for believing what you do”, you can take that and go to Hell. Really. Everybody is entitled to their opinions, but no one knows what works for one person over another. They only know what is working for them. If monogamy works for you, I am happy for you. If believing or not believing in something works for you, Bravo. But the only person that is going to find out and know what’s best for me is me. However it turns out, so be it.

Now with kink, I have had some good experiences & a couple of not so good ones. The not so good ones weren’t bad. I thank my Mistress and her husband for that(who I guess is kind of my co-Master). I think the reason why I feel they have been good is because of the way I felt about the people I’ve shared the experiences with. I’m still learning my likes and dislikes and I have a long way to go still. I want to have more experiences to really make sure that this is for me. I guess my probably here is more social than anything else. Like i’ve said, I’m not the most social person in the world, and it’s been hard for me to interact (and in cases meet) people because of my introverted nature and work schedule. Luckily, life is about learning.

The biggest thing I’m wondering in all of this is, where do I belong? Am I supposed to belong anywhere? Belonging is being accepted and accepted doesn’t necessarily mean loved. Though being loved and accepted for who I am is what I truly want more than anything. It’s possible that I may have had that before and squandered it. I don’t know. What I do know is that i’ve often felt like I may not belong anyway and that I may as well go back to a situation that I know would not make me happy at all. But how many times do you have to get hit in the face before you learn to duck? I guess I will find out one way or another. I don’t want to believe that I was only meant to be what I was before starting this journey, but even I start to feel the wear every now and then. It weighs on me as much as the next person, though I have tried to keep positive in my dealings. I was once asked by a dear friend how I could stay so positive and matters such as love. Truth is, I’m not always. At least when it comes to me. Though when I see others happy in themselves and with whomever they are with, I have to believe that the same will happen for me one day. It has to. And so here I am again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known(yea, I know). Walking the path I’ve chosen, trying to find happiness. I do realize that it takes the proper equation to make everything work in any situation. I just really wish I could find the one that will work for me. Now how do I go about doing that?