The letting: regardless

Connections, corrections, and directions….These are a few of the things I’ve been thinking of in the past few months. Well, in the past few days and minutes, but time has been spent in the last few months, as well. As I sit here trying to ween myself off of Tumblr for a few minutes and attempt to focus, I realize that this was not the best idea. That idea being me trying to write without a topic, focus, or really anything to say for that matter. Ok, that last last part isn’t totally true. There have been a few things going on in since last I posted, though I am not sure how much is ever going to reach birthing stage. I thought about putting up a poll to see what people would be interested in seeing being written about, but I realize without even looking at my blog stats that I have never held the kinds of numbers for that to be effective. I can’t say how much that has even mattered to me, but the part of me that some call a writer won’t admit to wanting it. Hell, this post here was just to force a kick to happen. This very well may never see light….unless it does.

Anyway, what I will say is that I kind of wanted to at least give mention to some of the things on my mind, whether they hatch or not. I’ve been locked in thought a lot and I dislike it when that happens. I get frustrated to no end in the recursion that happens thinking about how much time I’ve spent thinking and not doing. I can say that there has been some moderate doings, though. I’ve taken a trip or two and failed at taking a much wanted trip. I’m thinking of trips I want to take and want to plan for, as well. I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend kind of on the spur of the moment. I am really glad I did and I intend to go back next year, funds, willing. That trip brought out the painfully social awkward me that I wish I could get a handle on. Even the trip I took prior to this, SXSW in Austin, TX, while was as bad had the same symptoms. I knew of at least one person and met a few awesome folks, to boot. I wish I could have gotten to see a few Twitter folks I would’ve loved to have met while there, but perhaps next year. And backing up to ATL Poly weekend, I’m still bummed that I prevented myself from (through shyness) attending a play party that was being held. May have spoken about that already, but it still bothers me. And I REALLY could have used some play time then. That’s what happens when I go somewhere alone and don’t know anyone. The failed trip was to Shibaricon. Still bummed about that, but should double my resolve for next year. I probably won’t talk about that.

Going away from that, I am reminded that I’ve not talked much about about that and the kinky side of me here. I mean, I have attempted to write an erotic story or two here, but not gone into much detail on what i’ve been getting into. What I have mentioned has been on Fetlife and still in a somewhat limited fashion. This brings up the lack of writing that apparently at least one person has expressed an interest in. This also ties into my emotional connection and personal views on writing, which adds 3 more topics to the pot. Another comes from my seemingly reversion back to Taboo Twitter protocol v1 and my lack of presence on Fetlife for various reasons(both of which may be subject to change). As far as twitter goes at the moment, I feel like the tree that fell in the woods that no one hears, but they cut firewood from when they stumble across me….should they even notice. Or maybe some other analogy would be fitting, but regardless, things are what they are. And of what is to a degree, are the people in my universe. I’m thinking of a conversation started with a dear friend recently, which had me recycling previous touched upon (in my mind) thoughts of the people I need, want, and wish for in my life. Being yourself when you don’t really have a grasp on what that might entail. The fact that even though I have lost touch with some very important people to me, doesn’t mean that I don’t care for me. The potential contradiction of statements I’ve made on twitter to the fact aside, that is. The strength that weakens us also came up in that conversation, which is something I’ve been wrestling with for quite awhile; emotions. Memories of ghosts past, the imprinting one receives from every relationship one has, and other such notions have been bandied about. Being accepted for you being you and loved for that. People and connections I miss still. Being used by the selfish. Being surrounded by the ignorant while trying to keep yours to a bare minimum. What should be left behind though you (okay, I) struggle with not being able to let go of any connections of the past because…..you really don’t know why. Possible origins of my association with Polyamory come to mind, as well. The blatantly obvious fact that this post is a rambling mess and should not be posted, much less finished, comes to mind.

The journey, the tests, and the lessons…scattered pictures…Free spirits I admire and envy, the people I adore so much, people I thought I’d lost to me returning…these and much more have been made maelstrom in my life lately. I am hoping to still put a wrangle on them and perhaps even suss them out to the ether, mind willing. But for now, all I can say is that if you’ve made it this far with me, thank you. And I’m not just meaning in the terms of this post, either. Just in general. I love and appreciate your patience with me as I try to get myself back in some sort of shape and maybe back to some real writing….or at least some projects that I’ve been thinking about off and on. And I need could use an editor, for life and and words.

And with that…Exeunt

1 Comment

Filed under just thoughts, the me that's me

One response to “The letting: regardless

  1. Writing is therapeutic.. Keep up the good work :)

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