I’ve sealed my fate in the depths of your eyes, the moon. The stars.

The scars I carry, my Mars temperatured body revolves.

Closer to the death of cold space than to the searing sun that passions envelope celestial, encompassing love that even the Sun can’t evaporate in measure to the former.

Infinitesimal speck that I am beats with heart that can felt/heard resoundingly loud and throughout the winds and vacuum of the cosmos…wishing by the certain bodies in motion

Anyway, what I will say is that I kind of wanted to at least give mention to some of the things on my mind, whether they hatch or not. I’ve been locked in thought a lot and I dislike it when that happens. I get frustrated to no end in the recursion that happens thinking about how much time I’ve spent thinking and not doing. I can say that there has been some moderate doings, though. I’ve taken a trip or two and failed at taking a much wanted trip. I’m thinking of trips I want to take and want to plan for, as well. I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend kind of on the spur of the moment. I am really glad I did and I intend to go back next year, funds, willing. That trip brought out the painfully social awkward me that I wish I could get a handle on. Even the trip I took prior to this, SXSW in Austin, TX, while was as bad had the same symptoms. I knew of at least one person and met a few awesome folks, to boot. I wish I could have gotten to see a few Twitter folks I would’ve loved to have met while there, but perhaps next year. And backing up to ATL Poly weekend, I’m still bummed that I prevented myself from (through shyness) attending a play party that was being held. May have spoken about that already, but it still bothers me. And I REALLY could have used some play time then. That’s what happens when I go somewhere alone and don’t know anyone. The failed trip was to Shibaricon. Still bummed about that, but should double my resolve for next year. I probably won’t talk about that.

Going away from that, I am reminded that I’ve not talked much about about that and the kinky side of me here. I mean, I have attempted to write an erotic story or two here, but not gone into much detail on what i’ve been getting into. What I have mentioned has been on Fetlife and still in a somewhat limited fashion. This brings up the lack of writing that apparently at least one person has expressed an interest in. This also ties into my emotional connection and personal views on writing, which adds 3 more topics to the pot. Another comes from my seemingly reversion back to Taboo Twitter protocol v1 and my lack of presence on Fetlife for various reasons(both of which may be subject to change). As far as twitter goes at the moment, I feel like the tree that fell in the woods that no one hears, but they cut firewood from when they stumble across me….should they even notice. Or maybe some other analogy would be fitting, but regardless, things are what they are. And of what is to a degree, are the people in my universe. I’m thinking of a conversation started with a dear friend recently, which had me recycling previous touched upon (in my mind) thoughts of the people I need, want, and wish for in my life. Being yourself when you don’t really have a grasp on what that might entail. The fact that even though I have lost touch with some very important people to me, doesn’t mean that I don’t care for me. The potential contradiction of statements I’ve made on twitter to the fact aside, that is. The strength that weakens us also came up in that conversation, which is something I’ve been wrestling with for quite awhile; emotions. Memories of ghosts past, the imprinting one receives from every relationship one has, and other such notions have been bandied about. Being accepted for you being you and loved for that. People and connections I miss still. Being used by the selfish. Being surrounded by the ignorant while trying to keep yours to a bare minimum. What should be left behind though you (okay, I) struggle with not being able to let go of any connections of the past because…..you really don’t know why. Possible origins of my association with Polyamory come to mind, as well. The blatantly obvious fact that this post is a rambling mess and should not be posted, much less finished, comes to mind.

The journey, the tests, and the lessons…scattered pictures…Free spirits I admire and envy, the people I adore so much, people I thought I’d lost to me returning…these and much more have been made maelstrom in my life lately. I am hoping to still put a wrangle on them and perhaps even suss them out to the ether, mind willing. But for now, all I can say is that if you’ve made it this far with me, thank you. And I’m not just meaning in the terms of this post, either. Just in general. I love and appreciate your patience with me as I try to get myself back in some sort of shape and maybe back to some real writing….or at least some projects that I’ve been thinking about off and on. And I need could use an editor, for life and and words.

And with that…Exeunt

For those who feel neglect under the weight of selfish hearts

For those who feel they will never find that which flows from them easily.

For those betrayed and feeling alone
who face the world when it feels as though it has turned it’s back on thee

For those who feel the meaning through the meaningless & still have strength when there is none

For those who respects love and respects others when it not returned

You have a lover, and someone who holds you dear
Who has your back, wishes and wants your happiness supreme.

You have me. And I will always love & look out for you

———————————————————————————————

Near kisses and a few misses
Been attracted and attacked in many forms
learned of like outside of the norms.
hitting highs and lows,
blows from my foes threatening my end.
But in heart of a friend or friends virtual and
near, I find new life within myself to try and squelch
my deepest fear…

To all I hold dear, you will always be,
for whatever you have brought to me, remains with me
whether hurt or joy or indifference in concert

even in sadness, love grows
Someone will feel it, I know for sure.
Someday will feel it, and will love more.

I sit here on a precipice awaiting the dawn. A gentle breeze flows past me. Fitting, for within these next few minutes, they shall be needed to sweep away the forthcoming debris. As the sun comes over the horizon, I can already start to feel the effects on me. I will not run this time. I will the orb and let it have it’s way with me. It is time. I have seen many a death in my time, most at my hands or having to do with me. Some driven not by my deeds, but by their own. Guilty or innocent, it did not matter. None has hurt me more than the most recent. My lover, in fact. She was only human, but the most special I had encountered to date. It could be said that she, entering my world, had changed my so called “life”. But that word life holds very little meaning for one such as I. She, however held more meaning in my world than any number before her and now she’s gone. Driven mad by cooperative attempts to control and free. A death is still a death. At times, I was ghost to her more than my true form, but I held her in my arms just the same as when I was corporeal. It was at her last breath only a short time ago that the path I now walk became real.

And real is the pain I am feeling now. One such as I feels little in that way, but when we do, the sensation is lasting. The sun’s rays seem to shine spotlight in my direction, searing and peeling the flesh from me. As I’ve said before, fitting. The winds take charge of the cleanup as my pain grows and becomes less tolerable. I shall not move. This place will mark the end of me. I could only hope that my remains would somehow gather elsewhere and coalesce, possible making a new, better form to rise up as. That is wishful thinking on me part as I know better. I take what few breaths left I am offered and give silent thought to all of those in my past, victim and the like. The sun, seemingly speeding it’s rise, wants it’s part in this deed to be done. I will not fight it. I am nearly aflame within the next few moments of thought. The pain unbearable, yet, I do not scream. No one with any care would hear my cries, anyway. The last person I thought would has departed this mortal coil. I will not join her where she is. It is not my luxury to see her again. Fate is a cruel Mistress. I achingly turn to catch glaze of her lifeless form and shed a bloody, fiery tear. She, the angel I never deserved, close as she ever was. And the last thing I will ever see as my now emblazoned body bursts forth and scatters what it will into the wind. There will be no more of this feeding, torturing, persecuted child of the night. A better being needs to take this one’s place.

Will I now be freed?

I grew up a very shy kid. Had to be forced to go outside at one point because I felt more comfortable with a book in my hands than being around people. And even when I got to the point to where I was hanging around people, I still never felt like I belonged. I felt like I was always just on the outside looking in. I know I’ve written about this before, so forgive me if I’m sounding like a broken record. I’m going somewhere with it. The reason why I’m bring this up is because I still feel this way. In this journey I’m taking, I’ve come across kink and polyamory. Of the two, I feel deep down that polyamory had always been apart of who I to be. And even when I was in a monogamous relationship, I’ve always tried to make my lover feel loved, because they were. The problem is, either I never felt like I’ve never gotten it in return or I’ve put too many feelings where they shouldn’t have been. I’ve had selfish moments but they were only moments in comparison to the people I’ve cared for. And unfortunately, the problem still has still existed in my foray in Poly. My last relationship was with someone who, like me, was new to it but has always felt that it was for them. As it stands right now, it felt like to me they just wanted what they wanted and it appears that they’ve found the person they truly wanted to be with. They were spending more time and energy with the other person than they ever did with me during our whole relationship. It is possible to get so caught up in your own happiness that you forget about people you claim to care about. Part of me is happy for them as they deserve to be happy as much as anyone. That’s what it should be. That you are happy for the people you love while being truly loved by them yourself. I would think that is just universal, really. And while I am happy for those I choose to care for, I admit that I am a bit selfish. I would love to have some of that for myself at the same time. Is that wrong?

I mean, anyone that knows me well knows that I am the biggest, most genuine, cheerleader for people I care about. At least I try to be. Anyway. From what I feel about Poly, it’s about being secure with yourself and whomever you chooser to love. It’s also about making everyone involved feel loved and cared and shown that at the same. It’s also about trust and honestly with all parties. Nothing different there from a monogamous relationship. The scale happens to be bigger. So far, my experience with poly hasn’t been very solid for the lack of previously mentioned traits. And yet I still travel down the road.

I would like to say right here and right now that if there is the plan to say “Maybe you’re not cut out for Polyamory” or “See, you are a fool for believing what you do”, you can take that and go to Hell. Really. Everybody is entitled to their opinions, but no one knows what works for one person over another. They only know what is working for them. If monogamy works for you, I am happy for you. If believing or not believing in something works for you, Bravo. But the only person that is going to find out and know what’s best for me is me. However it turns out, so be it.

Now with kink, I have had some good experiences & a couple of not so good ones. The not so good ones weren’t bad. I thank my Mistress and her husband for that(who I guess is kind of my co-Master). I think the reason why I feel they have been good is because of the way I felt about the people I’ve shared the experiences with. I’m still learning my likes and dislikes and I have a long way to go still. I want to have more experiences to really make sure that this is for me. I guess my probably here is more social than anything else. Like i’ve said, I’m not the most social person in the world, and it’s been hard for me to interact (and in cases meet) people because of my introverted nature and work schedule. Luckily, life is about learning.

The biggest thing I’m wondering in all of this is, where do I belong? Am I supposed to belong anywhere? Belonging is being accepted and accepted doesn’t necessarily mean loved. Though being loved and accepted for who I am is what I truly want more than anything. It’s possible that I may have had that before and squandered it. I don’t know. What I do know is that i’ve often felt like I may not belong anyway and that I may as well go back to a situation that I know would not make me happy at all. But how many times do you have to get hit in the face before you learn to duck? I guess I will find out one way or another. I don’t want to believe that I was only meant to be what I was before starting this journey, but even I start to feel the wear every now and then. It weighs on me as much as the next person, though I have tried to keep positive in my dealings. I was once asked by a dear friend how I could stay so positive and matters such as love. Truth is, I’m not always. At least when it comes to me. Though when I see others happy in themselves and with whomever they are with, I have to believe that the same will happen for me one day. It has to. And so here I am again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known(yea, I know). Walking the path I’ve chosen, trying to find happiness. I do realize that it takes the proper equation to make everything work in any situation. I just really wish I could find the one that will work for me. Now how do I go about doing that?

——————————————————————————-
Fickle you, loving you. Scared you, defensive you.
Happy you, sad you.
I want to love all of you.

Crazy you, sexy you.
Cranky you, the likes to get spanked you.
Unsure you, girly you.
I love to have my arms around you

Desperate you, passionate you.
Maddening you, insecure you.
I want to spend my life with you.

For the last four and a half years, I’ve been in a pretty…miserable marriage. I probably shouldn’t say that, but that is how I feel about it now. Any good times are kind of overshadowed by the bad ones at this point. Let me back up a second. So about 17 years ago, I met her while in college. Let’s call her Ava. Smart, independent, moderately funny(funnier in her own mind) and a true Scorpio. If you follow Astrology, you can see the good and bad part of this. The baby of three siblings and the shortest. Reason I mention this is because she has always thought people take her for granted for being so. She’s a puffer fish in one sense. She was an international student who had been in the States for a few years. She was my first real girlfriend at that point and a few years my senior. I was real shy in High School, so the only thing I had then were a couple of crushes and a dash of unrequited love. Always good for a growing boy. So anyway, we met, got to know each other, and started dated soon after. She also has the distinction of having taken my virginity. At the time, I felt like she was the only woman I would ever need. It took a little while, but I realized what a naive sentiment that was(maybe more on that at another time). We loved each other a lot and spent a good amount of time together. I pretty much moved in with her at some point because I was commuting a fair distance to school from home. Anyhow, time went on and so did we. And after what ended up being a lot of time in a long distance relationship and two breakups, we got married. This was after we had broken up the second time for close to a year and a month after she moved in with me to get away from the person she was staying with/seeing. I still don’t know the whole story behind that. That seems to be a trend in my life.

Won’t go into the reasons why we got married then or why we hadn’t done so before then. Actually, the latter was possibly part of the reason for one of the break ups. At the time, I had just stopped talking to a young lady I was kind of seeing, which is a story within itself. Masochism at it’s finest. But let me get back on track. Married, and on the first night, we had an argument. Always a good sign. We worked it out and moved on. Things were going alright for a while, but only for a while. There were ever increasing arguments as well as an ever increasing lack of intimacy. We hadn’t slept in the same room for a couple of years now. I’ve not thought of her in any sexual way for equally as long. There were a couple of times in the past where she told me that if I were ever unhappy in the relationship, that I could tell her and she would leave. That ended up being a lie as she’s still here and it’s been quite clear between me telling her and our constant arguing how unhappy I am. She doesn’t work and really hasn’t so much since we’ve been married. Supposed medical reasons. Needless to say, divorce has been stated a couple of time over and is about to become a reality very soon if I have something to say about it. We have had financial issues in which I’m trying to deal with first and trying to handle all of the bills at the same time. Unless I moved back with my mom(that can’t happen), I’m stuck here with her here until things work out. I’ve also since told her that I plan to see other people and at the time I told her, I had been in a relationship but not now. Being here in this house now is a miserable experience. It’s kind of why I have spent so much time trying to go on trips or spending as much time at the lake or work as I had been. I am not happy here and she never goes anywhere, so I feel trapped. I spend the majority of my time here holed up in my office, a lot of times  with the door closed. I’m avoiding even speaking to her if I can get away with it. Believe me, there is only one other thing that I would desperately want so much right now out of life outside of this. This, apparently, is obtainable though.

The fact that I’ve never talked about it before doesn’t mean that I’ve tried to hide it. I’ve always made certain to tell anyone I’ve gotten close to. I’d even thought I had found a kindred spirit in a person with a similar situation. Really, it’s a me, myself, and I thing that I mention it now. Part of the journey.  Not expecting anyone to even care and I’ve already lost more than I care to think about at the moment. I’ve been told in the past that writing things out is supposedly freeing. That hasn’t always been the case, but has helped. This is no exception. In writing this, I’ve thought more about my journey. Granted, it was also an unsuccessful attempt to forget about the things that have been on my mind lately. Something was gained, I guess. Perhaps next post.